| So it's been a while. hisashiburi xanga. Seriously it's just for me now. I can't seem to find my little pink book. Recently my lifestyle has been kind of crazy. I'm trying to stay healthy and all, but I've been sleeping only a couple hours a night in a little space in the living room of a friends on the floor, haven't cooked at all, and trying to find shit to do to kill time between work and sleep and play. Not that there's really been much time to kill, but still. It's 4 in the morning and I'm up as usual, and probably will get woken up by my roommates getting up in a couple hours. This is all due to the fact that I broke up with my boyfriend of a while, pretty much been kicked out of the apartment we shared, and now trying to lead a new life. Ok, not a completely new life, but some things have definitely changed. One thing I've learned since I moved out is how easy it is to get up in the morning when you're sleeping on the floor. I used to be a tiny bit more prissy and despised sleeping even close to the floor (like on a lower bed or mattress) but for a couple nights now I've slept directly on the floor. But whatever, seriously, caring about the little shit that don't matter is tiring, and useless. I'm still prissy though, I guess. Whatever. Even though I made my life seem pretty sad and pathetic I've actually been having a lot of fun. Work is fun, friends are fun, and there's always the boys, now that I'm single. Surprisingly I haven't been too into the boys ever since I broke up with my ex which did at first make me doubt my decisions and feelings. I thought hard about it for a day and re-realized that it was all for the better, since being with the ex wasn't exactly making me a better person. I feel much better now that I'm away from it all, just because I can be my own person and take care of my own shit and have time to think about things. I'm at a point in life where I'm doing a lot of growing up. I mean I guess we're always continuously growing, but things that occurred recently have really made me learn a few things and the change in attitude is surprising, even to me. The last time I sat down and talked to my ex, even though he was pissing the fuck off me so bad I kept my cool and didn't lash out at him. It's one of the only times I can remember when I didn't start talking back and getting my emotions out of control, which is pretty sad. Usually I just wanna say whatever I feel at the moment but sometimes there's shit that you just don't say, I guess. I wanted us to end on a good note anyway, and if I had gotten mad at him, he probably would have gotten mad, and we would just have had whatever we always have. But I'm done with that, along with him. I'm just happy I got to leave with a smile on my face that was truly genuine. Being single sucks. Everyone makes it sound all glamor and glitz, but it's really not all that. Sleeping around with all of your guy friends and random other guys gets boring after a while, and when you're feeling sick or tired or down none of those people are going to stay by your side. But even though it sucks, I'm happy to be single, for once, I guess. The timing sucks though, since it's almost Valentines and everyone makes me feel like such a loser for not having someone to spend it with. But it's just one day in the year, and it's only my first Valentines since I was like 12 spending it single. I have no idea what I'm gonna do that night but probably something fun with some other so called losers, or maybe even a date. Who cares, it's all about the chocolate and the gifts anyway. I'm so cool about shit now that it's amazing. I'm trying to be a bigger person (not literally, obviously) with a smile, and it's actually working. I didn't know that I would be happier being single, but of course there's a lot of things that I miss being apart from my ex. He lives right next door to where I'm staying at for a while, and when I go outside for a smoke I always wonder what he's doing when his lights are on. I really do care about him, and hope he's doing well, but it appears that we won't be seeing much of eachother for a while. So for now, I guess just good luck to him, even though I really kind of feel bad for him, since he really doesn't have much of a life, and supposedly already dating someone who I hear is a total bitch. I just truly hope that he doesn't get hurt again, and that he's happy, at least for now, because I know I am, and he deserves the same, if not more. It makes me happier that I can actually feel that way now... |
